Conversation with my over-giving self
Long long ago, in a land not so far away….there was a young-ish woman who was giving and giving and giving, and doing and doing and doing, until there was almost nothing left of her.
Sigh. It was I.
Back when I was in full-on mom mode, full on codependent. Full on devoted to everyone around me, except barely even present for myself. I gave probably 150% more than I actually had in me. I don’t even know where the surplus came from, but I gave and gave and gave until I was basically a sad little pile of dust- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
It’s kind of funny to remember how I resisted taking care of myself back then. I imagine the things I would have said in order to avoid paying attention to myself. So I could keep running around, fixing and figuring things out, taking care of everbody else, without ever taking time to replenish myself.
Current Day Me:
“Darling, depleted Candace, why are you so incredibly resistant to taking care of yourself?”
My adorably over-giving, over-doing self back then:
- Taking care of myself? I don’t even know what that means or where to start. Go away.
- Wait, I do take care of myself- I shower, I work out, and I sometimes put on makeup!
- Oh, you mean, like taking time to tend to my needs, wants, emotions, dreams, and overall health?
- Who has time? Where would I find even a few minutes for that? - There’s too much work to do, just to keep the trains running.
- Also, it’s not just me in this world. If I take care of myself before I take care of other people and things, I’ll seem selfish.
- More than that, I’ll BE selfish. And I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be good.
- Besides, I feel happiest when the people around me are happy and taken care of.
Me now: Candace, what if placing yourself at the center of your own life is actually a natural, healthy, sustainable way to live?
Me then:
- Ew, that makes me super uncomfortable
- Plus I don’t really know what I want or need, so I might as well stay focused on helping other people get what they need and want.
- There are so many things I want to do that will benefit the world around me (my family, kids’ schools, my business, etc.)
- I really, REALLY don’t like saying no when people ask me to do things.
- Also, I’m a parent. So obviously my most important job is to take care of my kids. I chose to bring them into this world, so I owe them everything I’ve got.
Me now: Candace, what if the greatest gift you could give your children is a healthy, happy, thriving, fully actualized mom?
- Yikes, I have a scary feeling that once I start taking care of myself, I’ll realize I need more and more and I’ll be no use to anyone
- Also, if I focus on myself, I’m pretty sure I’ll see things I’d rather not.
- I just need to take care of these last few things before I can relax and tend to myself
- I’ll have time to focus on myself when the kids are grown or maybe when I retire
- Whoa, what happens if I’m healthy and happy and my family or friends feel abandoned?
- Lalalalalala, I can’t heeeear youuuuu.
Me now: ok, sweet girl. Love you.
_____
I realize now that all these old thoughts and feelings were survival patterns that had gotten stuck in a loop. I’m so proud of myself for choosing to break free and create a new way of being! I am beyond grateful for all the people and blessings that appeared in my life to support me in doing that. 🌺🙏🏼🌺