A Story of Self-love

The two halves

Once there was a young girl who lived her life as two “half-people”. One half of the girl lived to take care of other people and make them happy. She was very "good" and as her grandmother described it: “compliant”. This pleasant and pleasing half of the girl was consistently referring to the world outside of her as her point of reference: what to say, where to go, what to focus on, whom to talk to, how to speak, even how to feel. 

The other half of the girl was wilder- independent, provocative, spontaneous, and a bit careless, if carefree. This less “compliant” half listened to what her True Self felt, needed, and was drawn to, even when other people were surprised or intimidated. When the girl was listening to this half of her Self, she felt in the flow, moved freely moment-to-moment, seeking out and reveling in experiences that felt alive and real. 

Life was often confusing. These True-Self aspects of the girl sometimes rocked the boat. Since they weren’t solely focused on making other people happy, sometimes people... weren’t happy. All the authorities in the girl’s life spoke about doing the right thing, working hard, being good, and being successful. The girl hadn’t ever heard talk of these inner feelings/desires/intuitions, so when she felt them calling for attention, she didn’t really trust that they were valid, important, or ok. 

As she grew up, these self-referencing aspects of her gradually got reined in and relegated to a corner, muffled and disconnected, hard to hear. Sometimes when it came time to make big decisions, she couldn’t even distinguish between what felt true and alive vs the messages she was getting from outside of her. 

Choosing the outer world

At a certain, slightly scary, moment in her life, this young woman felt it was necessary to pick one aspect of herself to guide her. When she looked at the world around her, at the things that were needed, the people who needed her, she decided to go ahead and pick the outward-focused perspective. After all, even if she wouldn’t have the pleasure of living in ways that really lit her up, she’d be safe and welcome in the “tribe”. She wouldn’t have her goodness questioned, and people would want her around, because her focus was on keeping them pleased. 

So for many years, this girl-turned-woman tried as hard as she could to fit in, to keep the peace, to take care of the peeps, to do all the things that would make everyone and everything outside her ok. Other people's pleasure became her pleasure. Their well-being was enough for her. She loved her family and friends devotedly, even though she had no idea how to love herself. 

She criticized herself almost constantly, without even consciously realizing it. She rarely celebrated or encouraged herself. Even when things were good or she felt happy, she also felt guilty. When she felt called toward things that would be uncomfortable or inconvenient for others, she immediately shut those desires down and warned them not to make noise. When faced with impossible situations, she chastised herself for not being stronger, working harder, or figuring it out. 

She didn’t notice the internal toll of constant self-denial, and even if she had… it wouldn't have concerned her. Only the external results mattered. 

Crumbling inward

After decades of living like this, without any inner maintenance or nourishment, the woman’s system crashed. One night in a hospital emergency room, it became clear that she couldn’t keep operating this way. Her physical form was shutting down. 

She was scared. The prospect of not being around for her children devastated her. Even though it would be very inconvenient for her family, she made the difficult and bold decision to reconnect with herSelf (if only to figure out how to keep her body alive and functioning). 

Turning Inward

She began the process by creating time in her schedule to focus on herSelf, to figure out what she needed and then provide that. Soon, she realized she’d have to give up other things, other “jobs” she had taken on throughout her life. Gradually, she realized that her main job in life was to take care of herself. No longer could she expect anyone else to do that for her. 

It took a LOT of work to undo the patterns of the previous decades, to even find that Self, much less learn how to connect with her and care for her. Some people didn’t like the woman’s new focus on her Self, and that brought challenges. Partially because her health gave her no choice, she kept at it. She continued to wonder and ask what her Self needed. She practiced listening to herSelf even when she couldn’t really tell what she was hearing. 

Treasure inside

Slowly, gradually, a sweet loving bond was formed between the woman’s conscious attention and her True Self. They started to get to know each other, trust each other, and even have fun together. It was a little bit like a reunion, since they’d known each other in their youth. But there was also a new, mature richness to the relationship. For the first time in her adult life, she felt she really knew who she was. She noticed a deeply grounded, rooted feeling that became more and more present in her days and in her body. She felt a sense of peace, trust, and confidence emerging. She could make decisions that felt really, truly aligned for her, and she didn’t question them. With the help of teachers and beloved friends, she learned and practiced the art of surrendering to her own truth. There was even deep gratitude that the damage done by denying herself had led her all the way back around to reconnect with her Self.

To this woman’s amazement, this inner relationship of the woman with her True Self also began nourishing all aspects of her life. The peace, love, and delight resounding within her actually rippled out and touched every part of her life: her family, her work, her relationships, and especially her body. She was more open and available to connect with people who loved her. Her life had become more healthy and happy than she ever could have managed by trying to be “good”. 

Ironically, she had done a lot more “good” by just being…herSelf. It wasn’t a selfish, isolating, greedy, or dangerous approach to life, after all. Who knew??!

Sharing the love

Along the way, this woman had discovered she really enjoyed sharing the Self-Love vibe with other people. It was liberating to be in the presence of other women (and men) who had chosen to know and love themselves, and it gave her such joy to pass on the permission torch of Self-love-and-care to those who had been on the fence for a while. 

And now, in this January of 2024, she finds herself nestled in a wonderful community of gifted, wise, loving teachers who also treasure the practice of Self-Love and have an abundance of tools to share. This particular woman can’t wait to learn more from these teachers, and she invites you to join her on the journey…

With pleasure and big love,

Candace